No one should see this, ever.
♡♡♡

Esas gordas cogen y yo no, qué tristeza.

Algún día de Enero 2014

«I’ll always remember 2013 as the year i lost myself and became
everything i swore i’ll never be…

And here i am trying to get myself back, after a december that
slowly ripped me appart (which is ironically because it went
by so fast).
I met this guy, with him it was all so sudden… and i loved it.
He met me at a very strange time of my life, i never
realized that when “i found him” i lost myself… but why regret something you once wanted?

I remember the first days, they were all creepy and awkward,
he used to scare the shit out of me.
I never thought i’d find someone weirder than me but i fucking did.

"Estoy absurda y ridículamente enamorado de ti" (spanish because none of my translations could fill the… Let’s call it "feeling")
I knew it was bullshit, and i was cool with it.
He wasn’t the first guy that told me sweet things to see if he could fuck
me later.
I can’t say i loved him either… He lied to me, he cheated on me, i knew it all and i can’t put him like the bad guy, because i did the same to him. He
might never gave a fuck about me, but how could i ask him to be concerned about me when i never gave a fuck about him either?
Our relationship was all based in sex.
Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
You might think i’m a whore, whatever, he was my boyfriend.
I was so off myself, i became all the things i hated in woman: i was so dependant, so jealous, so annoying, so
obsessive, so sentimental. Ugh.
But it’s just that there was something about him that kept me
there. I always knew what it was, but i won’t write it here.

Now and then i blame it on my job at that time. my job built it all and he just triggered it.
That job was slowly eating my soul.
I NEVER HAD TIME FOR ANYTHING
No Long nails and no nail polish allowed.
i had to be always with my hair done.
I HAD TO WEAR JEANS EVERYDAY, UGH, I HATE WEARING JEANS
i could’ve ended up in jail for fucking my boss’s son (“In China Too Young is just a name”).
THAT JOB EVEN MAKE ME HATE CHOCOLATE, UGHUGHUGHUGH.
i missed eating warm food, being sit and do nothing all fucking day, wasted without having to worry
because my hangover would kill me at work, sleeping all i wanted, to see my beautiful dogs, TO HAVE A FUCKING LIFE.
I know i sound like a crybaby, but it was my first Job.

it was even worst when this guy i-made-out-with-while-i-was-drunk went to buy an ice cream with his girlfriend (i still don’t know his fucking name, and i don’t want to know it).
That chapter of my 2013 is called: “My season as x”
because, you know, i was a x and shit.
i have to make an entry about that season too, and write about
that guy and how my ipod died one day after, that’s why i hate
september.
ANYWAY, THAT JOB SUCKED MY LIFE OUT, I HATED IT, I DONT KNOW WHY I STAYED THERE THAT LONG, I DONT
KNOW WHY I STAYED WITH IRVING THAT LONG.

But January came, remember those first two weeks in which i
thought i was depressed? HAHAHAHAH
And february brought me my past past back… I own You so much.
I know You won’t read this because You don’t know a shit of english, but Thank You.
Anyway, my hair is gone and my gay life is back.
I really needed to write this down, althought i know i’ll erase it
tomorrow.»

Ugh, suuuuper gay.
En fin, borrarlo o modificarlo me parece una grosería. Me da nostalgia leer este tipo de cosas porque recuerdo como me sentía en el momento de escribirlas y comparar a cómo me siento ahora.
En este caso, realmente creía que iba a durar machín clavada y ardida con ese bato porque pues así soy yo: aprehensiva e intensa, y realmente esperé el sufrimiento, pero gracias a Dios no llegó.

Cuando cortamos lloré como un pequeño bebé toooodo el día y recordé este escrito, precisamente, porque me preguntaron cuándo había sido la última vez que lloré. Bueno, fue ese día.
wharevs, aquí estoy seis meses después. Qué rápido pasa el tiempo.

JAJAJA, ironía es que en este instante, mientras escribo esto estén pasando en vh1 la canción que más me lleva de vuelta ti.